So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
