dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
