a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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