a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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