new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
