I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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