the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
