So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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