K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
