I wish I could punch you in the face.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
