I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
