I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
