i permit you to call me
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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