The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
