all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
