i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
