why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
