Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
