are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
