Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
