she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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