I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
