my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
