Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
