Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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