I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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