I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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