Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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