They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
