so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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