clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
