my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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