Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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