sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
