I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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