i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
