cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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