Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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