living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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