worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
