yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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