According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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