yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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