I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
love makes seman taste better
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
