Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I wish there were birth control emojis
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
