I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
is wine microwaveable?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
