best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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