Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
