I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
