I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
